So once again I have let WAY to much time lapse since the last entry. However this time, I had several good reasons. Firstly we had our internet shut off, and the times I went to my mother-in-laws to use the computer, I was catching up on very important ball and non-profit work. Secondly it has been and INSANE month and a half.
So lets see, where to start. Firstly I think I am going to move forward with the "who am I" thing. I have been writing in this blog, not knowing if I would eventually say who I was or just do it like an anonymous thing. But at this point I have decided that why should I hide myself? It is very therapeutic for me to write and even if nobody reads it, I feel a sense of release when I write. Also, after thinking about it, I am ALWAYS afraid I will offend someone or that someone will accuse me of not giving an accurate portrayal of the events that happened. What does it matter? this is MY blog and I know in my heart of hearts I am writing the most accurate portrayal of the events that I believe them to be. If you have a problem with that, than don't read my blog.
I still don't plan to use names of others, simply to protect their identity. Even if I have issues with certain people does not mean I wish them ill and I feel like say that persons name is only encouraging that type of energy. I am allowing this blog to take a life of its own but hope to not hurt anyone in the process. And as for my kids, I will refer to them by age and maybe gender by not by name. You just never know how that info could be used.
So all the events I have been writing about in past months pertained to me, Autumn Moon (Magickal name), my organization Fenix Fire Festivals and the big event which was the Arizona Witch's Ball.
So much has happened since the last entry that it seems like a different world. I guess I should start with the flyin blind thing. I continued to fly blind for nearly another week and than after thinking about the shop owners words that the person to help me out would want to be addressed in a biz like manner, it occurred to me that it could be my new father-in-law. Sure enough it was and the much needed funding for the ball was taken care of because I gave him a few of my valuable family heirloom to hold until I pay him back. He at one point wanted to write of $1500 and I turned him down. I told him that he would get his money eventually, and I am sure at some point he will.
Currently FFF is indebted to me by more than $2000 and so to him by that amount. But the big thing is that the Ball happened, and was SOOOO beautiful and had few problems (outside of income that is) and now FFF has made a name for itself. I feel like, although I have a long and I am sure difficult road ahead of me. I will be able to get this organization off the ground and running in the very near future.
At this point I am tying up loose ends from the ball like photos, surveys, thank you's etc.
I in the last month and a half or so have also acquired a wonderful group of people who just jumped in and started helping out. Malissa was the first to come out of the wood work. She helped me TREMENDOUSLY just before the ball by getting the goodie bags not only put together, but mostly filled AND found a wonderful man that blessed them. And I am not talking a quick blessing but a REAL blessing. She also rained several people down on me who turned out to be a great help, especially the night of the Ball.
The second was Avery who put all the music together for the Ball. I have to be honest, I was a bit worried since I don't know Avery and don't know what kind of music he likes but he did an AMAZING job of compiling all the music. Which reminds me, I should ask for a copy. He had songs from movies that I love like the Never Ending Story and Labyrinth (childhood favorites). Then he also helped his other half with the ritual which unfortunately I missed (I had made some cloaks for the raffles but did not have enough time to put the clasps on, one of the winners caught me just before going outside to put her clasp on). And now he is helping with the survey for the Ball, we just need to work out a middle point so that he can advertize but I am not releasing personal information to him or anyone else.
The third was Brandon. He is an early 20's guy who I asked to volunteer at the last minute when I thought I would not have many people helping me out. OH MY GOSH!!! he was a Goddess send! All my volunteers were great and did a great job of helping me out to make this event a success but this kid ran, ran, ran for me and everything I asked him to do he did with not only a smile but a HUGE grin on his face. I was shocked and amazed at his willingness to help out and I hope he will continue to help out at future events. He also did all the photography for the ball after a last minute crappy move by the photographer I had been promoting for months. So I let her again and once again was flyin blind until Brandon came into my life and not only filled in for her but probably could have for at least a dozen other people with the amount of running he did for me.
I had others who did a great job of helping me out too. Rene, Danielle and two of the Malissa blessings, Joan & Vikki were also a tremendous help and they pushed themselves to the point of exhaustion too. The event would not have gone nearly as well without all of these people who literally "magickaly appeared" at just the right moment to help me out.
I did, and still am a little, battling some issues with my belief. I have been Pagan for like 9 years now and love my path, as eclectic as it is. But I have had two things happen that really made me question this vs. Christianity.
The first thing, which actually was the minor of the two things was that I saw an angel. Or what ever you want to call it. Now this is not normal for me. I do not walk through my life seeing everything and having conversations with different entities etc. I read energy pretty good but have not had a situation where I CLEARLY saw something.
At first I questioned if I was even seeing it and then when I did decide that yes, I was seeing it. It scared the crap out of me! the "what ever it was" was HUGE! it was a good 7 or 8 feet tall and was very slender. It was attached to My 1 year old. meaning this was her creature, it could take me or leave me. It sounds strange but she was sleeping in her bed but it was also holding her at the same time even though it was next to her bed. It was not glowing and did not have wings and was very human looking. Male and was surprisingly wearing drabby clothing. almost like long gray rags in a dress like style.
Its features were very slender though. long thin facial features and hands. And the HANDS! that really made an impression. they had to be 13 or 14 inches from tip to wrist. After i realized that it was indeed standing there I tapped in energy wise very quickly and did a quick assessment of the creature to figure out if I should be afraid or not. What came back was yes, death but not immediate. More like when it is her time to go, this creature would be the one to lead her away. Like it was part of its job description.
The next thing was that it had this pouring love for her. Equal or stronger (as hard as it is to believe) than my love for her. At this I basically scratched my head and went back to sleep. After talking to several people about it I chalked it up to maybe the reason I saw it was so that I would pay more attention when Jade got her very high mystery fever the next day.
One of the people I told was my mom, because i thought she might find it interesting about it being an angel. She says she had been praying for angels for her grand babies and that me telling her that was confirmation that God exists. I shrug my shoulders at this because I know stories of angels (or again, what ever you want to call them) have been around for about as long as people have been around, not just judeo beliefs.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and we have issue two. My midwife who I absolutely love and have not seen in like a year. I talked to her via facebook one day a few months ago but our contact is very limited at this point.
So when I was studing under her we had a conversation about just knowing things. She told me she has dreams that are messages for people on occasion. Well when she recently contacted me she said she had one for me. and the following is a quick version of what she told me.
Our families go camping. She goes into a building that a forestry convention is happening and looks for me. She says at this point it turns from her regular dreams to the stage she knows is a message dream. The people are having a great time and she says to them, yeah Stacy (non-magickal name) did this. Then they stop smiling and how she puts it "blink-blink" like not big deal. So I pretty much chuck this up to being the ball. People will have a good time but they wont care about me. What ever, I don't really care about that. I did the ball for several reasons, personal recognition, although it is nice is not one of them.
So she continues from room to room seeing this happen over and over and at one point she says she even sees a bit of the high school back stabbing talk, again not a surprise. I already knew about this from all the issues I had with my ex members and the rumors that developed after.
Again she continues to look for me and finally finds me in a back room, and that is where it starts to get strange. She says I am in there and I have two angels with me. The want me to know something. At this point I am a little uncomfortable since I had just recently had an angel incident, this is pretty in your face to me. So she says that song from Sarah Mclachlan "in the arms of the angel" is playing and they want me to know they love me very much. My midwife says like more than a mother loves her child type love. And chills go down my arms, what does this mean??? I am thinking.
And my midwife pauses and says. They want you to talk to your mom and for you to believe her. WTF???? what does THAT mean? I am in shock and still a bit in shock. My mom of course wants me to be Christian. The only other thing that developed from our conversation was that she believed I was meant to be a prophet of God. So what is a Pagan girl (who incidentally is organizing one of the largest Pagan functions in AZ at the time) to do? Of course the thing I am hung up on is the Christianity. Is this like a slap in the face saying "WAKE UP"??? or is this something else that I am missing and that is the only thing I am seeing? besides I cant just drop everything for the ball now, we are only a couple of weeks out.
At this point I am still a little conflicted about what the whole message was but I know I feel a connection to the Goddess and she has come through for me on more than one occasion. The whole break up of FFF and than the Ball actually not only happening but going REALLY well are good examples. She kept me sane and I allowed my instincts to guide me. How can I turn my back on her now? and I still have no real desire to, but it was (still is) pretty confusing for me. I am riding the fence about two directions.
Either I am supposed to listen to my mom about the Christianity thing (which I have MANY issue with) or I think I am supposed to listen to her about he whole prophet thing. But she stated it in a way that makes sense to her. I have been feeling a desire to learn the Norse beliefs and in particular about becoming a Seider which is a type of prophet in the Norse belief. So is that the message I am supposed to be listening to?
The following day after my little freak out I went to an event held by the shop owners coven (for lack of a better word) to try to sell tickets. He had an opening circle that was supposed to be a three rune chant. I dont know what those three runes were supposed to be but he said on his way up to the location he had something tell him to go with a one rune chant (I think the rune was gebo) because it represented the unity of energies. No matter what your belief, we are unified with the same energy. For me that was like a statement of, you are still allowed to be Pagan.
But than my Christian background resurfaced and in my head was the thought that since I voiced this concern of mine about the conflict of religion interest that if the Christians were correct that the devil did exists than that could have easily been planted in the shop owners head. So at this point my head is swimming with confusion and uncertainty.
So the only logical thing I can come up with is to continue my belief the way I have been and plant something in my head that would give me redoubtable proof that the Christian God existed and not my Goddess. The rationale behind this is that according to the Christians, only God knows what a person is thinking. The devil can only make educated guesses like humans can. But he can plant ideas in a persons head.
So I have something, hidden in the back of my head for the thing that would give me undoubtable proof of "his" existence. Do I really believe that this proof will come to me, no. But what else am I supposed to do? Lets say that the Goddess does know what it is that I am thinking, it would do her no good. The devil, the same thing. My mom asked if it would give glory to God if this "proof" happened and I said, redoubtably. My husband asked if this would happen sooner or later and I told him either. Really it is a very vague subject, except in my own head, which according to the Christians can only be seen by the Christian God.
So the whole thing kinda gives me a headache. I am so confused but I don't know where to go with this information. I will be meeting with a woman I am liking more and more within the Pagan community and I will probably tell her what happened and wait for feedback. She is an ordained minster (Pagan) so it should be interesting to see what she has to say.
So all this confusion happened only a couple of weeks prior to the Ball. I am now still conflicted but am leaning toward the idea of the Seider. I really want to jump on this and start learning.
I feel like my whole life has been tossed up and is in Chaos. Logan (hubby) still has not found a job and our relationship has taken (or did up till last week) taken a serious turn for the worse. He is at this point trying to get his CDL back since Swift said they would take him back once he got it. That seems to be the only thing that seems even a remote possibility of bringing in $. I have been trying very hard not to allow all these stupid minor irritations make me so angry. That is just not like me. I need to relax and I also need to focus on my spiritual self, now more than ever.
I have been writing for months about the Ball, the Ball, the Ball and now that it has happened I have written half a book about a lot of other things than the Ball (rolling eyes).
The Ball was... AMAZING! I had a lot of kudos for a job well done (again which I could not have done without the help of those that came to my rescue). It was at a beautiful location, had great food. The people were happy and upbeat the whole night. We had a ton of raffle items and the vendors, although most had low sales seemed happy. It truly was a magickal evening. Thus far the only person that had anything "grumpy" to say was one of the organizers from the ball in the past. She said she was board most the night. ech, good thing she didn't pay for her ticket then. Most of the reports back to me were of an outstanding nature and I had several people say this one was one of the best they had ever attended. As I have said to several community members. It really gives you a better appreciation for those that have done it in the past.
Although the description about the ball is short, it pretty much says what my thoughts on the ball are. At least for tonight. I might elaborate later as I think about things.
TTFN
~Autumn
