I am Autumn

chalice level: Full


So once again I have let WAY to much time lapse since the last entry. However this time, I had several good reasons. Firstly we had our internet shut off, and the times I went to my mother-in-laws to use the computer, I was catching up on very important ball and non-profit work. Secondly it has been and INSANE month and a half.

So lets see, where to start. Firstly I think I am going to move forward with the "who am I" thing. I have been writing in this blog, not knowing if I would eventually say who I was or just do it like an anonymous thing. But at this point I have decided that why should I hide myself? It is very therapeutic for me to write and even if nobody reads it, I feel a sense of release when I write. Also, after thinking about it, I am ALWAYS afraid I will offend someone or that someone will accuse me of not giving an accurate portrayal of the events that happened. What does it matter? this is MY blog and I know in my heart of hearts I am writing the most accurate portrayal of the events that I believe them to be. If you have a problem with that, than don't read my blog.



I still don't plan to use names of others, simply to protect their identity. Even if I have issues with certain people does not mean I wish them ill and I feel like say that persons name is only encouraging that type of energy. I am allowing this blog to take a life of its own but hope to not hurt anyone in the process. And as for my kids, I will refer to them by age and maybe gender by not by name. You just never know how that info could be used.



So all the events I have been writing about in past months pertained to me, Autumn Moon (Magickal name), my organization Fenix Fire Festivals and the big event which was the Arizona Witch's Ball.



So much has happened since the last entry that it seems like a different world. I guess I should start with the flyin blind thing. I continued to fly blind for nearly another week and than after thinking about the shop owners words that the person to help me out would want to be addressed in a biz like manner, it occurred to me that it could be my new father-in-law. Sure enough it was and the much needed funding for the ball was taken care of because I gave him a few of my valuable family heirloom to hold until I pay him back. He at one point wanted to write of $1500 and I turned him down. I told him that he would get his money eventually, and I am sure at some point he will.



Currently FFF is indebted to me by more than $2000 and so to him by that amount. But the big thing is that the Ball happened, and was SOOOO beautiful and had few problems (outside of income that is) and now FFF has made a name for itself. I feel like, although I have a long and I am sure difficult road ahead of me. I will be able to get this organization off the ground and running in the very near future.

At this point I am tying up loose ends from the ball like photos, surveys, thank you's etc.



I in the last month and a half or so have also acquired a wonderful group of people who just jumped in and started helping out. Malissa was the first to come out of the wood work. She helped me TREMENDOUSLY just before the ball by getting the goodie bags not only put together, but mostly filled AND found a wonderful man that blessed them. And I am not talking a quick blessing but a REAL blessing. She also rained several people down on me who turned out to be a great help, especially the night of the Ball.



The second was Avery who put all the music together for the Ball. I have to be honest, I was a bit worried since I don't know Avery and don't know what kind of music he likes but he did an AMAZING job of compiling all the music. Which reminds me, I should ask for a copy. He had songs from movies that I love like the Never Ending Story and Labyrinth (childhood favorites). Then he also helped his other half with the ritual which unfortunately I missed (I had made some cloaks for the raffles but did not have enough time to put the clasps on, one of the winners caught me just before going outside to put her clasp on). And now he is helping with the survey for the Ball, we just need to work out a middle point so that he can advertize but I am not releasing personal information to him or anyone else.



The third was Brandon. He is an early 20's guy who I asked to volunteer at the last minute when I thought I would not have many people helping me out. OH MY GOSH!!! he was a Goddess send! All my volunteers were great and did a great job of helping me out to make this event a success but this kid ran, ran, ran for me and everything I asked him to do he did with not only a smile but a HUGE grin on his face. I was shocked and amazed at his willingness to help out and I hope he will continue to help out at future events. He also did all the photography for the ball after a last minute crappy move by the photographer I had been promoting for months. So I let her again and once again was flyin blind until Brandon came into my life and not only filled in for her but probably could have for at least a dozen other people with the amount of running he did for me.



I had others who did a great job of helping me out too. Rene, Danielle and two of the Malissa blessings, Joan & Vikki were also a tremendous help and they pushed themselves to the point of exhaustion too. The event would not have gone nearly as well without all of these people who literally "magickaly appeared" at just the right moment to help me out.



I did, and still am a little, battling some issues with my belief. I have been Pagan for like 9 years now and love my path, as eclectic as it is. But I have had two things happen that really made me question this vs. Christianity.

The first thing, which actually was the minor of the two things was that I saw an angel. Or what ever you want to call it. Now this is not normal for me. I do not walk through my life seeing everything and having conversations with different entities etc. I read energy pretty good but have not had a situation where I CLEARLY saw something.



At first I questioned if I was even seeing it and then when I did decide that yes, I was seeing it. It scared the crap out of me! the "what ever it was" was HUGE! it was a good 7 or 8 feet tall and was very slender. It was attached to My 1 year old. meaning this was her creature, it could take me or leave me. It sounds strange but she was sleeping in her bed but it was also holding her at the same time even though it was next to her bed. It was not glowing and did not have wings and was very human looking. Male and was surprisingly wearing drabby clothing. almost like long gray rags in a dress like style.



Its features were very slender though. long thin facial features and hands. And the HANDS! that really made an impression. they had to be 13 or 14 inches from tip to wrist. After i realized that it was indeed standing there I tapped in energy wise very quickly and did a quick assessment of the creature to figure out if I should be afraid or not. What came back was yes, death but not immediate. More like when it is her time to go, this creature would be the one to lead her away. Like it was part of its job description.



The next thing was that it had this pouring love for her. Equal or stronger (as hard as it is to believe) than my love for her. At this I basically scratched my head and went back to sleep. After talking to several people about it I chalked it up to maybe the reason I saw it was so that I would pay more attention when Jade got her very high mystery fever the next day.



One of the people I told was my mom, because i thought she might find it interesting about it being an angel. She says she had been praying for angels for her grand babies and that me telling her that was confirmation that God exists. I shrug my shoulders at this because I know stories of angels (or again, what ever you want to call them) have been around for about as long as people have been around, not just judeo beliefs.



Fast forward a couple of weeks and we have issue two. My midwife who I absolutely love and have not seen in like a year. I talked to her via facebook one day a few months ago but our contact is very limited at this point.



So when I was studing under her we had a conversation about just knowing things. She told me she has dreams that are messages for people on occasion. Well when she recently contacted me she said she had one for me. and the following is a quick version of what she told me.



Our families go camping. She goes into a building that a forestry convention is happening and looks for me. She says at this point it turns from her regular dreams to the stage she knows is a message dream. The people are having a great time and she says to them, yeah Stacy (non-magickal name) did this. Then they stop smiling and how she puts it "blink-blink" like not big deal. So I pretty much chuck this up to being the ball. People will have a good time but they wont care about me. What ever, I don't really care about that. I did the ball for several reasons, personal recognition, although it is nice is not one of them.



So she continues from room to room seeing this happen over and over and at one point she says she even sees a bit of the high school back stabbing talk, again not a surprise. I already knew about this from all the issues I had with my ex members and the rumors that developed after.



Again she continues to look for me and finally finds me in a back room, and that is where it starts to get strange. She says I am in there and I have two angels with me. The want me to know something. At this point I am a little uncomfortable since I had just recently had an angel incident, this is pretty in your face to me. So she says that song from Sarah Mclachlan "in the arms of the angel" is playing and they want me to know they love me very much. My midwife says like more than a mother loves her child type love. And chills go down my arms, what does this mean??? I am thinking.



And my midwife pauses and says. They want you to talk to your mom and for you to believe her. WTF???? what does THAT mean? I am in shock and still a bit in shock. My mom of course wants me to be Christian. The only other thing that developed from our conversation was that she believed I was meant to be a prophet of God. So what is a Pagan girl (who incidentally is organizing one of the largest Pagan functions in AZ at the time) to do? Of course the thing I am hung up on is the Christianity. Is this like a slap in the face saying "WAKE UP"??? or is this something else that I am missing and that is the only thing I am seeing? besides I cant just drop everything for the ball now, we are only a couple of weeks out.



 At this point I am still a little conflicted about what the whole message was but I know I feel a connection to the Goddess and she has come through for me on more than one occasion. The whole break up of FFF and than the Ball actually not only happening but going REALLY well are good examples. She kept me sane and I allowed my instincts to guide me. How can I turn my back on her now? and I still have no real desire to, but it was (still is) pretty confusing for me. I am riding the fence about two directions.



Either I am supposed to listen to my mom about the Christianity thing (which I have MANY issue with) or I think I am supposed to listen to her about he whole prophet thing. But she stated it in a way that makes sense to her. I have been feeling a desire to learn the Norse beliefs and in particular about becoming a Seider which is a type of prophet in the Norse belief. So is that the message I am supposed to be listening to?



The following day after my little freak out I went to an event held by the shop owners coven (for lack of a better word) to try to sell tickets. He had an opening circle that was supposed to be a three rune chant. I dont know what those three runes were supposed to be but he said on his way up to the location he had something tell him to go with a one rune chant (I think the rune was gebo) because it represented the unity of energies. No matter what your belief, we are unified with the same energy. For me that was like a statement of, you are still allowed to be Pagan.



But than my Christian background resurfaced and in my head was the thought that since I voiced this concern of mine about the conflict of religion interest that if the Christians were correct that the devil did exists than that could have easily been planted in the shop owners head. So at this point my head is swimming with confusion and uncertainty.



So the only logical thing I can come up with is to continue my belief the way I have been and plant something in my head that would give me redoubtable proof that the Christian God existed and not my Goddess. The rationale behind this is that according to the Christians, only God knows what a person is thinking. The devil can only make educated guesses like humans can. But he can plant ideas in a persons head.



So I have something, hidden in the back of my head for the thing that would give me undoubtable proof of "his" existence. Do I really believe that this proof will come to me, no. But what else am I supposed to do? Lets say that the Goddess does know what it is that I am thinking, it would do her no good. The devil, the same thing. My mom asked if it would give glory to God if this "proof" happened and I said, redoubtably. My husband asked if this would happen sooner or later and I told him either. Really it is a very vague subject, except in my own head, which according to the Christians can only be seen by the Christian God.



So the whole thing kinda gives me a headache. I am so confused but I don't know where to go with this information. I will be meeting with a woman I am liking more and more within the Pagan community and I will probably tell her what happened and wait for feedback. She is an ordained minster (Pagan) so it should be interesting to see what she has to say.



So all this confusion happened only a couple of weeks prior to the Ball. I am now still conflicted but am leaning toward the idea of the Seider. I really want to jump on this and start learning.



I feel like my whole life has been tossed up and is in Chaos. Logan (hubby) still has not found a job and our relationship has taken (or did up till last week) taken a serious turn for the worse. He is at this point trying to get his CDL back since Swift said they would take him back once he got it. That seems to be the only thing that seems even a remote possibility of bringing in $. I have been trying very hard not to allow all these stupid minor irritations make me so angry. That is just not like me. I need to relax and I also need to focus on my spiritual self, now more than ever.



I have been writing for months about the Ball, the Ball, the Ball and now that it has happened I have written half a book about a lot of other things than the Ball (rolling eyes).



The Ball was... AMAZING! I had a lot of kudos for a job well done (again which I could not have done without the help of those that came to my rescue). It was at a beautiful location, had great food. The people were happy and upbeat the whole night. We had a ton of raffle items and the vendors, although most had low sales seemed happy. It truly was a magickal evening. Thus far the only person that had anything "grumpy" to say was one of the organizers from the ball in the past. She said she was board most the night. ech, good thing she didn't pay for her ticket then. Most of the reports back to me were of an outstanding nature and I had several people say this one was one of the best they had ever attended. As I have said to several community members. It really gives you a better appreciation for those that have done it in the past.



Although the description about the ball is short, it pretty much says what my thoughts on the ball are. At least for tonight. I might elaborate later as I think about things.



TTFN

~Autumn

flyin blind

chalice level: ghostly full

So what do I mean by ghostly full? Well that I am in high spirits but that I feel like the liquid has not appeared yet, if that makes any sense.




So a lot has happened (no surprise there, things seem to be moving pretty fast at this point).



So lets start with after the Wendy concert. I got a few ticket sales, YIPPIE. But they are still coming in kinda slow. I have my good days and my bad days as far as how I feel about the Ball, mostly I have a strong hope though.



I got a call from a vendor a little over a week ago saying that she has been hearing rumors that the Ball would be canceled. GRRREEEEEAAAAATTTTTTT!!!! is what I was thinking. If she heard these rumors, how many others have as well? So I called one of the respected members of the community who has done the Ball in the past and asked what she suggested I do, she is aware of my concerns about the Ball and was honest and said that if I REALLY believe I can pull this off than I could wait for others to come to me about the rumors or I could post something to the forums about the rumors that are being spread. So me being me, I went with the latter. I am a "hit it head on" type of gal so this worked better for me. I posted to SEVERAL forums about these rumors and set the record straight. It consisted of three rumors.



1. The Ball would be canceled. I basically said I have no intention of canceling the Ball. 2. Vendors were backing out left and right. I said that this was totally not true, I had only two back out due to personal reasons and they were promptly refunded than the spots were taken by other vendors. 3. That ticket sales are low. I said that yes, ticket sales are low but people who have run the ball in the past as well as those that sell tickets have all said that this is normal.



Not long after that sales started coming in more consistently. I am feeling better about the sales at this point and hope to see a big pick up soon.



I had a run-in with someone that was supposed to be a vendor, he had agreed to pay me twice and than I gave him an additional 2 weeks after the second agreed pay date and than I gave away his booth. He had been emailed that payment was due within that two week period or I would do that. He says he never got the email and that I am basically a liar and have no biz ethics and he will never again work with me. Argh, the gall of this guy to try to blame me about this! If he had paid like he agreed to TWICE before, this would not have been an issue. People amaze me, and not always for the better.



The shop owner that I have mentioned in the past that was very ticked do to some of the antics of one of the ex members but that I have said I liked. Well he gave me a rune reading on Thursday. He said some interesting things and I greatly enjoyed our conversation. One of the interesting things I noticed is that his voice changed when he did the reading, like mine does when I do readings. This gave me the confidence to trust what he was saying. I had told him that I am looking at having to sell some of the things that I personally own to try to cover costs for the ball. He said I should hold off for a week or so because ticket sales will likely be picking up and he sees someone that might be able to help out financially but that person would need to be approached in a business type manner.



He also said that I need to focus on my spiritual self since i am kinda loosing that part of myself at the moment. As well as focus on the family aspects because my family, especially my spouse, are being affected greatly by the Ball. I really enjoyed talking with him, and I like him even more than I did before. He seemed more understanding of my personal situation and my stake in the Ball on both a personal and business level. He mentioned writing down my thoughts. I told him that is how I tend to vent my frustrations the best, so since I could not sleep again. I thought I would blog about what has been on my mind.



The last couple of weekends I have been doing some things to raise money, but I think I am loosing more money than making. Argh! Last weekend was an event that is about two hours from where I live. That was fun to attend, especially since I kinda had some time to spend alone with my hubby. We enjoyed it but it was not as enjoyable as it could have been because we were both so tired. I did not make any sales, although I did get some raffle tickets sold for the $100 raffle I was doing at the time. And that was thanks especially to the person that kept taking the framed bill around to different people at the event and telling them to buy raffle tickets.



I think I made several connections as far as the my organization, the Ball & my cloaks go. Even though I did not have any actual sales. I did bump into someone who I had met a few years ago at another function. My oldest and and her daughter hit it off really well then. And turns out that they still hit it off really well, lol. The other child's mother and I think that the girls must have known each other in a past life or something. The two of them are like two peas in a pod and we want to try hard to make sure the girls can see each other often. I also get along with the mother  very well, she is very down to earth and is easy to get along with. They (mother/ daughter) helped out today with a car wash fund raiser I was having today. And they will be helping out again tomorrow. Today we talked about doing an event together in June that is at some event in another state. Doing a road trip thing, it was so funny cause her daughter says "oh (my kid) HAS to go with us" but they had only re-met today. It is so neat to find a person that is so much like my own kid and for them to have kind of obscure interests from the main stream.



So did the car wash today. We made about $50, had one person interested in learning more about the Ball. Another that asked what the car was was for and than said that "he will have to pass" because he is Christian. We were washing the car of a person when that man was talking to me and the customer that we had said he almost said something to him about him being a jack@$$ but than decided not too. He said he figures a car wash is a car wash. Gave me a chuckle though.



So tomorrow we do the car wash again, but this time we will be sageing the location and I think we might actually try to send out some energy this round. I plan to take my incense if I don't forget it, and the mother I was talking about earlier will bring the sage since I don't have any.



My youngest is approaching her first birthday, it is amazing how time flies. She is so cute! We don't have any major plans for her, but something some and family oriented.



Now back to money for the Ball. I have an idea about something that may work. I would rather that this idea go through my aunt instead of the alternative of my new father in law but I will take what I can get. I mentioned earlier that I am looking at having to sell some of my stuff to be able to get the cost for the ball covered. I don't have much in monetary value that is worth a lot if I were to sell it, but a few things. I do however have some family heirlooms that I would NOT sell. But I would be willing to use it as collateral through someone that I trust, like my aunt. My new father in law makes me a bit nervous but I would be willing to do it. I want to see if one of them will be willing to do a contract between the two of us that I give one of them these items as collateral in exchange for lending me $ which would be paid back with interest. This is one of my last ditch efforts to acquire the money I need in the time I need it. I already tried the venue owner to see if she might be willing to barter but she was not, and that is understandable since she is trying to run a profitable business.



As I told the shop owner, I feel like I am taking a huge leap of faith and am flying blind with all of this and am having a great deal of trust in the Goddess. That is the only thing that continues to make sense to me, just keep trusting.



Wow, I was long winded tonight but I think that covers it for the up to date stuff. I guess we need to wait to see what other adventures await me.



Oh yeah, one more thing. I told the shop owner about having some “odd” things happening recently and asked if this was do to my funky energy or if this was do to something more metaphysical directed at me. He said it was me, so now I guess I just need to get my head in the right place.



TTFN

Upswing

Chalice level: 3/4 full

I am in high spirits but I still have a long way to go before things feel under control for the Ball. However it is amazing how so many things can change in such a short amount of time!

The Wendy Rule concert was GREAT!!! and it was so neat to meet her! and to top of an amazing evening My youngest started walking around after I got home, she is walking really good now!

So the meeting with the person I had hopes to borrow money from was pretty pointless, but the very next day my hubby sold a vehicle we had in our yard which means my paychecks can go for the Ball, that is nearly $1000 so that gives me a LOT more encouragement! And also the ticket sales are starting to come in. It is so funny, we hit new moon and BOOM, things start turning around. Or at least it seem like it.

That is all I'm gonna post about for the moment, but I wanted to give an update.

TTFN

"undetermined"

Chalice Level:  undetermined

Wow, a lot has happened since it has been a while since i have written. At this point I feel I am in "undetermined" status because my life is in "undetermined" status.

The big things are that my husband still has not found a job, so I found one instead. The pay is debatable since it is a commission job. I do like the work though, I have always been pretty good with sales. I am working for a portrait studio selling the pre-sale packages so that they can get people in the door. My first days was 14, which I have been told is a LOT! I have not done as well since then but I have some ideas about how to market it and even use it as a fundraising tool.

I find myself very irritable at my husband, I am not really sure why though. I don't know if it is because i am so stressed out over money etc. or if it is because I am aggravated with him and his seemingly lack of much of an interest outside of his own needs, or if it is just that I am perceiving it that way.

So the issues with the Ball continue, I am greatly stressed out at the fact that ticket sales are not coming in nearly fast enough and I wonder if I will have to cancel the Ball. A lot of how I feel like my status is "undetermined" is based off of this problem. I am so desperate for help that I even emailed Sully Erna via Laurie Cabot. But no surprise I have not heard back as of yet, and its been about a week.

A lot is going through my head as far as this issue with the ball goes. The first is that I was certain that the Goddess was helping me along the way with the breakup of the original members. Now I wonder if I was wrong since it is so close to falling apart. The money for the different aspects of the ball is due on September 30th and as right now, I have no clue how it is that I will be able to raise or borrow several thousand dollars by the end of the month. Our family is struggling bad enough as it is at the moment.

Another thought is the "what if's" of if I do have to cancel the ball. What would be upsetting to me and in what order of importance would those things be upsetting to me?

1. Letting down all the people that have purchased tickets
2. How I will pay those people back the money they have invested
3. Dealing with the wrath of the one shop owner that was so mad before
4. The snickers from the ex members of my organization
5. The failure of getting my organization off the ground
6. The failure to the community as a whole for my organization not accomplishing what it set out to do, which is to give us a place to worship in our own state.
7. The very strong interest to help  my community (and vicariously myself) and that not being able to happen.

So the truth of the matter is that I think it goes in this order: 2, 1, 4, 3, 5, 7, 6

At least at the moment that is what I think the order is. All of the things are so prevalent in my mind at the moment, it is hard to figure out what is what in my head as far as importance.

I did contact someone in the community that I have had interactions with in the past and it is very possible that this person is wealthy enough to help out. He sounded interested in helping but I know that his family has had several very expensive medical issues this year so I am not sure if their finances are as good as they were in the past. He did not flat out tell me no though, so that is a good sign. I am supposed to do a conference call with him on Wed. morning since I don't have a car to make it out to where he lives. But since I will be borrowing my Mother in laws car on Wednesday to pick up Wendy Rule (finally) from the airport I might be able to meet with him in person which would be the preferred way of doing it. I will give him a call tomorrow to find out if we can do that. Keeping my fingers crossed that he is able and willing to help out.

The next big thing is that Wendy Rule has finally gotten her Visa issues fixed and she is arriving at the airport on Wednesday!!! Yippie! It has been a long haul to get her here, but I am so excited to finally be able to meet her and listen to her music in concert!

OK, I think my brain is tapped out for the moment.

TTFN

I wish it would rain

Chalice Level: what is below empty?



It is amazing how much can change in a VERY short amount of time.

I am feeling pretty down about a couple of things. My online readings are a hit or miss as far as how much I make which means we absolutely cannot count on it for the sole income. I am noticing that people call for confirmation of what they "already know" or so they think, not for what is given to me. So this ends up with negative feedback. Fortunately most of the feedback is of the very positive nature but the ones that are not have a tendency to make me feel like crap which then in turn makes it very hard to do readings. If my emotions are not in check, I cannot do good readings. I really need to get a reading myself, but the reader that I trust may not be available. He has a bunch of things going on in his own life.

OK, one of the first things is that someone emailed me about my usage of "501(c)3". I had that listed on the websites that we were now a 501(c)3 non-profit. So the issue is that apparently 501(c)3 is an IRS term, not a general term for what ever the type of non-profit you are. And to use that you must have approval from the IRS. So my issue is that my non-profit, or at least at the moment, is only state level. This means that I do NOT have 501(c)3 status for my organization. I got confused because when filling out the state paperwork for incorporation it asked under what IRS code I was eligible for non-profit status. So of course it is the 501(c)3 and I thought when we were approved on the state level it meant that we were a 501(c)3. Apparently not and I then had to remove that from the website, and send out a retraction to the people I had sent solicitation letters to who said they wanted to help out. I did not realize that just because I have a non-profit does not actually mean that donations are tax deductible. *BIG SIGH*. Hazards of learning things as you go.

Anyhow I am back to using the other non-profit organization to solicit for donations but must first get approval of the letter. I gave that to the president of that organization last night, but must wait to hear back from him.

Last night was a monthly meeting for Pagans in my area that is fairly large. I gave several people tickets to the ball, including the president of the organization that is helping out mine, the facilitator for this particular meeting, someone that I had a bit of a run-in with at the start of the Ball planning, someone I am very fond of & the old facilitator for the Ball. Each of them got two tickets. One for themselves and a guest. I was running late, so I rushed through the place to hand them out, had a seat to finish sewing a clasp onto the cloak I was donating to the PPD fund raising efforts and then not long after the facilitator made an announcement at the start of the evening that this particular group (who is hosting this monthly meeting) will be putting on the 2011 Ball. Totally out of the blue for me, I totally did not see that coming. I am a little hurt over the way it was done, or actually no. I am more than a little hurt. I did speak to the facilitator after her announcement but definitely get the feeling that she was not sharing all the reasons they decided to take over the ball. Her reasoning was that since they were the ones to host the ball several years ago that they just wanted to take a break for a while. They had considedred doing 2010 but then my organization jumped at it so they let it be. I think some of it is that they are tired of the undercurrent of drama but who know. I wish she had said something earlier.

 I am however glad that it was them that jumped at it instead of the one member that I was having issues with several months ago. In fact I think it is a strong possibility they decided to take over because they wanted to stop drama from happening next year. I think they figured what I figured which was that that disgruntled ex member would try to take over and then they would have a ton of drama. But still, I am a bit hurt over it. I already offered to help out and give them the ability to use the website that I have. Although it is hard not being upset about the situation, I feel like I am meant to learn from this experience and I really could learn a lot from working with them.

So right now I am just feeling really low. I hopped that writing about these issues would make me feel better but I don't think so, at least not yet. I did have some good new as far as people donating but the baby is fussing and I am feeling tired of writing. I will fill ya in later.

TTFN

Doggie theft

Chalice Level: Half  (Just tired)

It has been a while since I last posted. And tonight post likely will not be that long. But we have had several things happening. First we stole a dog, or according to my mom we rescued it, lol. It has been running around my mother-in-laws home for several months and has always been very friendly. We recently tried to pet it and it cowers. The people who we believe owns it has had several dogs, all of which run the neighborhood and are skinny. At this time of year it is very hot outside and they often look thirsty. So I had had enough and decided that it would be greatly loved at our place. So far so good, he gets along great with our other dog and they both love having someone to play with.




My youngest has been introduced to baby cereal and seems to like it.



My hubby still is without a job, but I have found work at keen.com as a phone psychic which so far I love doing. I did have one person leave really bad feedback which has now affected my overall score since I am really new and now I am having to work even harder trying to build my score back up to where it should be. But it did not cost out of pocket for me to get started and I can do it at home, around my schedule etc.



My meditations have not been going so well since I am falling into the trap of not doing them regularly again. But I plan to do a decent meditation tonight after I spend a little time with the baby who is missing me since I have been doing readings most the evening.



I know I am missing stuff. But that will have to do for now.



TTFN

More Mistakes

Chalice Level: Half full

It was sprinkling tonight while I meditated. It was absolutely beautiful and felt so good to sit out under the clouds. I imagined that I was in a rain forest, which is something I have wanted to see for a very long time now.

I did not do a whole lot with the non-profit today. I am feeling a little burnt out and finding it hard to dive in and feel good about it. Which is the frame of mind I want to be in when working on it since I don't want to dislike what it is that I am doing. It is very hard letting it go for a day or two because I have SO much to do and the time I waste not working on it means that I may really wish I had that time later. I did send out a correction for some information I had previously sent out. I dreaded doing that since one of the people I sent it to was a shop owner that I have previously upset do to things not going smoothly. I actually really like this person, he had helped me out in the past before all this stuff for the WB and I know that he is a huge supporter of our community. So I am not sure what I was more down about as far as informing him of my mistake, that I had made yet ANOTHER mistake or that I likely would hear back from him about it which likely would not be very kind words. I keep telling myself that I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, make things run with out bumps in the road. And that next years Ball will run a lot smoother since I will be aware of my problem areas this year. *big sigh*

I also did a little organizing of my filling cabinet, which till just a few days ago I was just throwing crap into so that my son could not get into it and mess up my organized mess. I should have it completed soon. I am a bit frustrated with two of the vendors that will be at the Ball. One has not yet paid and had agreed to pay on the 9th and the other has given me no prospective date of the other half of her payment. Both are not responding to emails. To make matters worse, the one who has paid half has become quick and good friends with my ex-friend that was apart of the chaos recently and so vicariously is so with the big problem maker. And that vendor is friends with the other vendor who I have yet to get a payment from. I am about to email them both to tell them that if I do not hear back from them within a certain amount of time that I will be refunding the one vendors money and will make the two spaces available to others. I also have yet to get payment from another vendor and she also is not responding, she has two spaces reserved. I having to deal with this "on hold" crap. The member that I was butting heads with is the one that thought this was a grand idea, and now I have to deal with the crap from it. Argh!!!

Moving on. I have found a few volunteers for the ball, two that I mentioned in previous blog posts and and one that has recently showed how much she would love to help. I am calling a vendor meeting for Wednesday of next week to go over ways they can help and then hopefully will feel a little less overwhelmed. The newest volunteer will be helping me a lot with solicitation letters and getting businesses on board to help our fundraising efforts. I hope to work on the letter a bit more tonight, since it is not settling with my quite right. I also need to create a "need list" (with a lot of liquor on it) and update the website to reflect the different levels of sponsorship available.

The house we worked on quite a lot tonight. We have almost completely filled a haul-away dumpster with crap we had originally thrown outside after we moved in because of the mothballs my now father-in-law used. We have had the dumpster for a couple of weeks but it has been way to hot to work. It finally cooled off enough to be able work outside. I love how quite it is in the area, and actually love the property even though we have a lot of work to do on it. Work that will likely take a few years at minimum before we feel like we are finished. I cant wait to start a garden!

I think that is about it for tonight.
TTFN

Follow the white unicorn

Chalice Level: one-eighth full

I am exhausted today. It was very nice outside but I really need to get something to lay on other than the ground. It was breezy and just as I started to come in it started to sprinkle. I really hope this means we get some rain.

So the adventure for the day is that I went down town (busing it again) to get the liquor license for the Ball and found out that it is going to cost a lot more than I realized it would. I have to get two of them which I knew, one for the state and one for the city. The one for the state I was able to find out about online. The one for the city, I had to go down town and apply for, or at least I thought I would apply for. The license costs $350!!! which currently I don't have the funds for. I did however get the articles of incorporation paid for so it can be published, which means I will be in compliance for the 501(c)3. At least I got something done.

I am feeling pretty low tonight, cause not only am I tired but I am stressed about finances for both the Ball and home. The hubby, I feel like, is not looking as hard for a job as our family needs him to. I have started to also start turning in applications in the hopes that one of us will get a job.

I am almost done with the solicitation letter that I tweaked. And one of the volunteers has some great ideas of companies to request donations from. I also informed her about the goodie bags and she said she would start working on that as well.

While meditating tonight I had a vision of a white unicorn. what came to mind was "follow the white unicorn". I have no idea what that means or if maybe my mind is just super tired and is running wild. But just in case it is not. I was facing South. The unicorn was facing East and had its right front hoof bent up like you typically see horses do. It was bobbing its head a little with its hair flying around a bit. After I am done here I am going to see what information I can find about a white unicorn, and if any biz's use it as a symbol.

TTFN

Solicitation

Chalice Level: To the brim

I am in high spirits tonight, I just over all feel good. I wanted to meditate outside longer but it felt like I kept having bugs crawl on me. I am going to have to check for an ant trail tomorrow.

I have at total of 6 now selling the raffle tickets that are for $100. This is very exciting. Hopefully they each will be able to sell a lot of tickets.

TTFN ~ going to work on the solicitation letter.

Just Do It

Chalice Level: Full

I sooooo did not want to come in tonight from meditation. I really was not outside long, maybe 10 minutes? It was so nice and quite. And the incense smelled sooooooo good. But I dragged myself back in :-) see how special you are? whoever you?

I had so much running through my head for what needs to be done. And I also needed to write for 2 days instead of 1 since I missed yesterday, but I am tellin ya. I had a VERY good reason, complete and utter exhaustion!

So after my last entry I went to bed like I said I would, this was around 9pm. At Midnight I am woken up because my oldest is tired of watching the middle child and the hubby is working on something for the house. So I get up to take care of the middle child (his schedule is still off from the other night, we are having a very hard time getting him on track). And guess what, the real situation is that the oldest wants to be on facebook. I was so mad! I had told her already that I would be out running the next day, in the heat and that I really wanted to get some rest. She told me to go back to bed but I was wide awake at this point. I tried several times to go back to sleep during early morning hours but was just not happening. The middle child did not go to bed till very late, the youngest woke up several times and then the hubby's phone kept going off. So I gave up.

I leave around a quarter to nine in the morning, I wanted to leave early enough to get food but that did not work out since I was having a very difficult time getting the hubby to go out of the house. So I wound up being out all day with no food. I had to meet with a psychic at a local shop and then meet with the belly dance director for entertainment for the ball. Finally around 4pm when I was meeting with the director for the belly dancers she gave me a little food that a friend had made. I had mentioned earlier when I spoke to her over the phone that I might stop to get something to eat since I had not had lunch yet. Everywhere I stopped had no restaurants! I couldn't believe it!

Anyhow the meeting with the director went very well. I really like her a lot, and she is so all about helping the community out. She also owns her own vegetarian cafe which is downtown in the art district. She had all these fabulous ideas of how to help out the Ball, the non-profit and even me! She mentioned about doing a "meet the artist" thing for my photography, which I am beyond excited about. But I need to get a website, and biz cards first. I might also be able to do some readings at a monthly event, so this is very exciting! She was also a great listener, I kinda unloaded on her about the problems I'd had with the other members of my non-profit before it had become a non-profit.

I was so tired that on the way home I kept dozing off, and I NEVER do that. I finally stopped doing that when i crouched onto the shoulder of the person next to me!!! which I REALLY never do. I apologized and she seemed to think it was funny, but I sure didn't! I think she was less upset cause she remembers being a mom of a small baby (she was an older lady) but little did she know that at that point I had not hardly slept at all. Anyhow once I got to the last stop for my end of town it was like 7:30 at night and I had pretty much not eaten anything all day, except for the little bit the director had given me. I had my youngest with me and I really did not drink near enough water, and I breastfeed. So when I got to the last stop, I got some food. Went home, took a shower and crashed in the extra bedroom (which is also the coldest, yay!) at about 10pm. I guess the little one was also tired cause she only woke up twice in the time I was asleep. I woke up on my own eventually, and it looked like the sun was just coming up. But I felt pretty good so I got up anyhow. I sat down in the living room and started talking with my hubby, it still looked pretty dark outside so I did not think much until I saw our clock, it was 12:30pm!!! I had slept 14 hours! I guess I really was beat, and so was the baby. She was still sleeping when I woke up and she went to bed about the same time as I did. You do what you gotta do, at almost any cost when you are the one that needs to do it. In this case it was not sleeping, not eating, not drinking much water, & spending and entire day on the bus system with a baby in 115 temperatures, oh and walking a total of about 1 1/2 miles in the middle of the day. Just do it, was my motto for this whole experience.

I was still feeling tired today so I moved pretty slow. But I did get some work done for the Ball and even better, I finally decided I needed to get crakin on the solicitation letters I plan to send out to businesses. This is not an area I am very good at, and I was feeling pretty lost with the whole idea. It is not so bad contacting the company and telling them I would like to send a donation request letter but I didn't have anything good coming out of my head for the donation letter. I googled pagan solicitation letters, and nada! Wiccan solicitation letters, nada again! Wiccan donation letters, nope. And finally Pagan Donation letters, and finally we have a winner!!! And it is a really good letter two. It is not too long, give some information about the organization, how it could benefit the company/ person donating and even better, a small description about Paganism. This is exactly what I needed to expound upon for my organization :-) But the funny thing is (or not so funny) is that this was the ONLY letter I found that is a solicitation for a Pagan organization. Why is that!!! Yes, I know that we are not well known and often have crazy things that people think we are but other organizations really are not trying at least? Actually, so many companies are looking for minorities to help it is astonishing to me that more of our non-profits are not attempting to go this route for help.

Anyhow moving on, I forgot to mention that my eldest has had an offer to be in a bad. The director that I mentioned earlier found out what instrument my kido plays and how fast she picks up on the learning aspect and she offered her an opportunity to be in the bad. I think this is wonderful! So I will be contacting the director tomorrow to let her know. What a blessing this woman has become already!

So the drama for the day is that my eldest has the mother of her boyfriend telling her that he does not want to be with her which totally devastated her. Oh that's right, that's how I woke up, she was all upset! That's OK, I think I was ready to get up anyhow and she needed to hear that it was all her boyfriends mom's fault. I swear the woman is absolutely nuts! We plan to allow him to stay with us as soon as he turns 18. Unfortunately we cannot do much till then, just wait. And the anticipation of waiting to hear from him for my oldest is agonizing. He is currently in a different city and only calls when he can get his hands on his moms phone or borrows someones phone to call. The have not seen each other in a couple of months. He is absolutely nuts about her and treats her really well. I seriously doubt he wants to break up with her.

What else? I think that is about it for tonight.
TTFN

crappy car

Chalice Level: 1/4 full

I am writing this a bit early. I am actually headed to bed at a decent hour since i have a TON of running around on the bus to do when I wake up, in very high temperatures. I hate not having a reliable car.

TTFN

Busy Brain

Chalice Level: To the brim


 Today was a pretty good day. I enjoyed it very much. I think mostly cause I am in "productive" mode, which always makes me feel accomplished, lol.

 So I did the taste testing, my long time friend (since like kindergarten) and the two new ladies I met a few days ago all went to it. We were VERY late, but you know what? I think it worked out for the best since the food sat for a while before we ate it. That let me know how well the food keeps!

I did find out an interesting tid bit of information. The chef told me that the member that I was butting heads with had told her that she could not reschedule the appointment because we needed to get the ball rolling for the Ball as far as food went! This is a big deal because I specifically asked her to find out if they had any other dates available since I would be out of town and the new member had plans that day. So the two members that went to the taste testing were given a huge variety of food to taste and apparently narrowed it down to what we would be using at the Ball and so what we ate tonight!!! And said that they would schedule another taste test for when I and the new girl could make it.

 The more I hear about what was happening behind the scenes (like checks being mailed to home addresses instead of the P.O. Box, with no heads up to me) the more I am infuriated by what was happening. How could the other two members NOT see what was going on? Unless of course it was ME who was not seeing what was really happening. Which as time goes by I think is more and more the case. It was not just this one member that was the problem but ALL of them, and they were trying to slowly shove me out of the picture even though I was the creator of this group. I think what bothers me more is that my supposed friend was along for the ride? And the more I hear, the more I think that she was aware of what was happening and wanted to see me out of this as well. That is what is most bothersome to me. And here I was feeling guilty for making her life so much more difficult with having changed passwords on her and not telling her. At the time I really did not know what else to do since I needed to protect all areas of my group without risk, and at the time I felt she was a small risk. I figured I would try to make a mends afterward when I could see clearly where the members were all going. Obviously I made the correct decision since I think it was me that was not seeing the other two members involvement instead of them not seeing this one members agenda. That sucks.

 So moving on, today is a at the brim day. I have the down payment for the food, and I am working on the one for the alcohol. I need to now get moving on the liquor license so that I make sure everything is a go with that.

 I had a great time at the taste testing and was in such a great mood that I nearly finished the web page about the food that the general public will have access too. I had a really difficult time leaving that so that I could go meditate since my brain was having a very difficult time shutting down. But I missed yesterday. I went out to meditate but the sun was coming up and the flies came out to play with me. They were driving me nuts cause I had two that every time I would start to sink into meditation one would land on me and throw me off. I finally gave up on that and tried to meditate on my bed, but I fell asleep pretty quickly I guess cause I don't remember going past the root stage.

 So finances are stressful at the moment. More so with household money that biz money. Although I need to up my budget, obviously, for the Ball. I think it will all fall into place. As far as house money though, the hubby is still not making much at cab driving. And we have no other prospects of money. I feel like things will fall into place, I am pretty calm about it in comparison to similar situations happening in the past. But the hubby on the other hand is overly stressed. The only thing that comes to mind is that the Goddess will bring to us what we need. We are on the right track.

 Gotta go, TTFN

Dealing with providing for the drinkers!

Chalice Level: Half

My monkey (the toddler boy) took a nap earlier today so now he still has not gone to sleep! I still have not meditated because he does not want me to go outside. So now I am going to have to wait for him to go to sleep before I can sneak outside to meditate. So my process of: meditate, write, find photo & publish is thrown a bit tonight. I am having to meditate last.

I am not really sure what to write about today so I guess today is a rambling day. Today was not a bad day or a good day, just a day. That is why the level is at half.

Oh! I know something I can talk about! I got a quote on bartending for 300 people~~~ OUCH!!!! I keep telling myself that it is for 300 people and that is not so bad. But still, three grand is a LOT of money to put up. I also keep telling myself that we will make the money back when we sell tickets that can be redeemed for a drink. I am also at a loss of how much I should charge for a drink. The number that feels right to me is $6 but that would mean that we would have to sell 500 drinks to break even. The idea is to make money. So what kind of risk am I taking? Will I be able to sell that many drinks? Hmm, what to do, what to do. Actually not really what to do because I have to have it, so I guess I just need to go with the flow. On top of that I have to get two off duty police officers and a liquor license (maybe more cause of city, county & state). Between the venue and the alcohol I am blowing about half my budget! I think I better up my budget, but it is so hard since I have never done this before and I have no idea what the usual budget is.

NICE!!! My computer decided to restart in the middle of me typing, i lost the last 5 sentences or so of what I had written. But at least it reopened the internet for me, that was kinda cool.

OK, as I was writing before on the upside. I am going for a taste testing tomorrow (well technically I suppose it is today) and the Coven director that I met last night is going with me, maybe the assistant director too. So free food and getting to know these ladies a bit better as well. I do want to attend their crafting thing on Saturday, gonna have to talk my oldest or the hubby (if he does not have to work that is) into watching the monkey.

Gonna go see if the monkey is asleep, I intend to meditate and then dig into some chocolate pudding pie with whipped cream after!

TTFN


Chalice Level: Full

The Goddess has a wonderful sense of humor. Anyone that knows me personally will understand this sudden change of Chalice level.

New BFF's

Chalice level: Full


Today did not have any terribly exciting events but it did have some small blessings :-)

My Paypal account for my organization has FINALLY been cleared up. It has been like two months of one hassle after another and I was finally able to transfer the several hundred dollars that was in non-profits account to the bank account for the non-profit. This is a HUGE deal because a good portion of the ticket sales from the Ball and Vendor fee's have been payed online through Paypal. So what a relief that this headache has gone away!!!

Since the account was cleared up a few days ago I was able to transfer the money then and it hit the account today. I bought several things including business cards, a filling cabinet (it locks so my wonderful toddler son cannot open, at least that is the idea. I guess time will tell.), hanging folders, paper etc. This will help to make it a lot easier to function all this from home.

I got to see my mom today, I miss her very much but I think we are both happier. She moved in with my Aunt several months ago because my Uncle died suddenly. My mom at first went for what was supposed to be only a few weeks. Then she said it would be at least a few months, then a year and now two is the plan. I knew when my Uncle died that she would live with my Aunt longer than she thought she would. They are such close sisters, and I am so happy my mom was able to stay with my Aunt at a time when she really needed her sister. Our family has been happier with the distance between us too, I love my mom but it was becoming very difficult to live with her. I am an adult and she sometimes still looks at me as a child that needs to be scolded. And I let her do it so as not to get into a fight. Shame on me I know, but she has been such an amazing support to me through out my life, I love and respect her very much and try not to argue with her. I know she will not be around forever. Now when we are together I feel like I can enjoy the time with her and not worry about arguments. I do wish I got to see her more often, but I think the living situation is really good now.

Another blessing is new friends. When a meditated a few nights ago I was feeling a bit down. That is part of the reason I started this blog. I always am able to work through my problems better when I write my feelings and ideas down.

Anyhow my issue is that I recently lost my best friend of about 2 years to chaos that happened with my organization. I called the meeting and made the suggestion to start a non-profit last year. I asked several people to help me out, one of which was this friend of mine. After the initial start up, the planners turned out to be myself, my friend and an acquaintance. The acquaintance and I repeatedly butted heads over one thing or another but what really bugged me was that she would have little put downs for me. These drove me up a WALL! I kept ignoring them and on occasion would fire back at her almost as subtly as she would make the comments. I talked to my close friends and all of them, except the one who is helping me with the organization, said I need to trust my gut.

Fast forward several months and enters a new member to help with the planning of the Ball and the start up of this non-profit. She is involved for about a month and a half when I have had the last straw with this member I butt heads with. After much meditation, and discussion with other people including some that have non-profits of their own, I legally reserve the name for the non-profit (up to this point we did not have any official documents since we were acting with the help of another non-profit in our community) with the help of my wonderful and amazing magickal mentor. Then I send of an email telling the problem member that things will change, and that these changes must happen for us to continue to work together. As I suspected she would, she resigned but not before telling me what she thought of me. She also emailed the letter to the other two members and apparently they thought she was in the right so they both left the group. This includes my friend, who is now the best of friends with the member that I was butting heads with and pretty much has not wanted to have anything to do with me since. We are cordial when we see each other but that is it. It hurts to know that she traded me in so fast for another person. I know she was hurt by some of the collateral damage of the situation, but I cant believe that warrants writing off an entire friendship! To each their own. I am still kinda wounded over it, but at the same time I have no desire to have a friendship with her again, not after knowing that she could write our friendship off so fast and apparently not think twice since she now has a couple of new BFF's.

So now that I have caught you all (who ever you are, if any) up on the lack of best friend angle I can move on to today. So a few nights ago I was asking the Goddess to show me some people in my area that I can socialize with. Currently my longtime friend and sister within the Goddess lives on the other side of town, which btw is a BIG town, so we don't see each other very often. Other than my family, I feel kinda lonely as far as the friendship area goes. The Goddess directed me to Witchvox and I thought "OK, done that before but will do it again, don't expect anything new". So I checked it out and sure enough, a new Coven had formed in my area and was looking for members. Now I have never looked really for a coven because I did not want to have to follow a particular path. But this Coven was an ecclectic Coven and the common bond is a desire to better the community. Both the traditional community that we live in as well as the community of Pagans. This is totally the type of people I want to associate with! The Coven director emailed me back today, and so I gave her a call like she suggested. We had a wonderful conversation from the get go, she and the assistant/ co director were able to meet with me this evening. That meeting went just as well as the talk on the phone. I believe I have found MY new BFF's and they amount to a hell of a lot more than the one person I had before to regularly hang out with. And honestly, it was becoming very apparent before out falling out, that our values were different. So maybe she needed to exit my life to make it so I would find these others that are much better suited to my path? Oh, and on top of the excellent conversation I had with them. The Coven would like to volunteer to help out at the Ball and for the non-profit in general.

Things definitely seem to be turning around from the point I was in last month. I was having panic attacks (I had never had those before) when I thought about the difficulties I would be dealing with and the amount of work that needed to be done with no help at that point.

TTFN

Starting out

So I really don't have much to say tonight since it is VERY late and I have spent way too much time tweaking this blog so that I would be happy with it.

I hope to eventually have people viewing my blog, but who knows maybe it will always just be me writing my thoughts down and nothing more. What ever the road, that is the way it is supposed to be :-)

I have learned that the best way for me to vent my worries, concerns or even my joys is to write it down, that is the main purpose of this blog. It is to give me a way to spill what is on my mind and in my heart with no worries that the person I am telling will tell another person etc. etc. I don't expect to say anything derogatory about another person, however in the event that I do it will not have an effect on that person or on me since I am the "Invisible Witch".

My plan to to write every night after my meditation, which happens to be around 3am. That has definitely showed to be the least active time for my family and by then, I have unwound enough to need some alone time. Of course that means that I need to actually meditate! Which I hope this blog helps me to do.